First of all, you need to golf in the winter. Summer golfing is for people who are determined to be unhappy as well as overheated. With the exception of everyone I am related to, they tend to be intense and insufferable, so it's best to spend your summer sunning by the pool rather than on the golf course.
Second, you need a good golfing buddy. The two times I have golfed, I have had my brother with me. One time in a foursome and more recently, just the two of us. Since I had fun both times, it's only logical to conclude that my brother is a good golfing buddy. He might golf with you, but I can't make any promises. For my purposes, however, he is essential.
Third, spring for the cart. Golfing without a cart is like getting your teeth drilled without novocaine. You have nothing to prove, you're the only one feeling the pain, and most people are unimpressed with your choice to be miserable. The cart is going to be your saving grace. Walking makes people grumpy. Also, you have to carry all your stuff, which makes the whole experience basically pointless.
Fourth, inject some fear into the whole experience. This is highly underrated in the game of golf, but it's very helpful for both pace of play and attempts at accuracy. On my most recent outing, I was in North Carolina, following all the tips I have given so far. I got introduced to the Eastern Fox Squirrel, which is a terrifying, unsettling beast. My brother repeatedly referred to it as a "zombie squirrel," which I'm pretty sure is much more accurate than its given name, considering it looked exactly like this...more or less:
Second, you need a good golfing buddy. The two times I have golfed, I have had my brother with me. One time in a foursome and more recently, just the two of us. Since I had fun both times, it's only logical to conclude that my brother is a good golfing buddy. He might golf with you, but I can't make any promises. For my purposes, however, he is essential.
Third, spring for the cart. Golfing without a cart is like getting your teeth drilled without novocaine. You have nothing to prove, you're the only one feeling the pain, and most people are unimpressed with your choice to be miserable. The cart is going to be your saving grace. Walking makes people grumpy. Also, you have to carry all your stuff, which makes the whole experience basically pointless.
Fourth, inject some fear into the whole experience. This is highly underrated in the game of golf, but it's very helpful for both pace of play and attempts at accuracy. On my most recent outing, I was in North Carolina, following all the tips I have given so far. I got introduced to the Eastern Fox Squirrel, which is a terrifying, unsettling beast. My brother repeatedly referred to it as a "zombie squirrel," which I'm pretty sure is much more accurate than its given name, considering it looked exactly like this...more or less:
With the threat of that looming over you, you're much more likely to hit the ball away from the trees. Also, if you DO hit it in the trees, it's perfectly acceptable to just count the ball as a loss.
Fifth, have lots of balls. Both to face your fears and to replace the ones you lose when your fears get the best of you.
Fifth, have lots of balls. Both to face your fears and to replace the ones you lose when your fears get the best of you.
Sixth, and this might be the most important tip, don't.keep.score. Just don't. Keeping score is for the unhappy and overheated. I have found that if I don't keep score, it doesn't matter if I hit the ball four or five yards at a time, which I do. Constantly. Not keeping score also allows you to do the following with absolutely no qualms:
- Pick up your ball and throw it (sometimes in the water but not on purpose)
- Decide a hole is just too hard and stay in the cart while your golfing buddy goes for it and you have a drink while watching from the comfort of the cart
- Putt with a driver and drive with a putter--apparently, there's a difference
- Refuse to accept your limitations and believe you're truly ready for the professional circuit, if only as a spectator
Finally, have power foods and beverages at your fingertips at all times. I have found my magic combination to be a nice stout Stout paired with a Snickers and Cheetos. This keeps you refreshed, calm, and happy which is the point of golf in the first place.
Really, the sport is simple. If you shift your paradigm ever so slightly, you'll find that you, too, can be an expert by your 35th hole.
Up next: I explain string theory.
