I know that title just drips with feminism, but no one should be surprised that I fully identify as a feminist. Not in a man-hating, eliminate-them-all kind of way, so don't worry. Things aren't going to get too militant here. Maybe they will. I never know when I start writing where things will end up. You've been here before. You know I can start talking about men not getting to have everything and might end up besmirching the virtues of dolphins. That's just how I roll.
Also, there are some things here I need to say that may just reek of sexism and close-mindedness. Those aren't particularly good qualities, especially in a self-proclaimed feminist. You're going to have to deal with the inconsistency as best you can.
That said, let's talk about the things that men seem determined to take over. Lately, there's the man romper. This is an article of clothing I feel is only correct when placed on babies and women. Why men are suddenly feeling compelled to put on these one-piece suits is beyond me. Women already have to sit down when we pee, so stripping from top to bottom in order to do so is not really that much out of the ordinary for us. Granted, when I'm wearing bottoms separate from my top, I tend to leave my top on when relieving myself. I know, that's a lot of information, but since my readership is half women, at least 12 people out there are nodding knowingly rather than cringing. Men, you have the ability to pee standing up without having to drop trou. Do you understand what a privilege that is? Why would you want to strip? Now, I haven't truly investigated the workings of the man romper, but perhaps it comes with a hole like your underwears that allows you the benefit of a cute one-piece without the strip down. If that's the case, then it's truly unfair that you're claiming this women's garment. Just let us have it, okay?
Then there's the clip-on man bun. Really? I had finally made my peace with just the regular man bun. I realized that I had to change with the times and just accept it. In fact, there are some instances I can even find it cute. However, that is where I draw the line. Men, if you want to have a man bun, then you need to grow it yourself. Clip-on hair is for the ladies because some of you practically demand it. If you don't have enough hair for it, then you don't get to wear it. I would love to pile my hair in a messy top knot from time to time, but I don't have the length. Therefore, I wait. Why do I have such animosity for the clip-on man bun? I saw a man wearing one the other day. He was completely bald on top and had one clipped into his remaining hair. I could see the clip, and the bun was the absolute wrong color. It was like a hipster mullet, and it wasn't good. The worst bit, he wasn't wearing it ironically. He was wearing it as if he looked totally natural. Men, just leave the clip-ons to the ladies. Let us have it.
Finally, there's the tank top. This is what inspired this post in the first place. You get to run around without a shirt on when it's hot or when you think you're hot, and we just have to take it. Women have to keep covered. Granted, barely covered for some, but covered, nonetheless. The tank top is our saving grace during the oppressive summers. Some of us look fabulous in them. Some of us look less fabulous. However, we all have one thing in common when we wear them, earning us the right to be the sole claimants to this fashion trend: shaved armpits. At some point, our patriarchal society decided that body hair on women is gross, and we have foolishly acquiesced to the demands that we stay smooth in certain areas. Therefore, we wear the tank top with what I call responsibility. When we go into a restaurant, we have no hairs falling from our pits onto the table. We put on no show of long, curly, unkempt locks with flecks of deodorant stuck to them to put everyone around us off their dinner. Our culture loves hair as long as it's on the head. Otherwise, it's gross. So, men, unless you're prepared to shave your armpits, you can't have tank tops, too. I'll even compromise: you can't have tank tops in restaurants or places where people are eating. You be gentlemen and keep those pit hairs totally unexposed around the food.
There you have it. My small minded rant. Spare me the counter-arguments because they will just make me angrier and inspire follow-up posts.
